Late nights rants of a CD/AD patient :)

Hmm.  I don't know really where to start, I only know that I'm very sleepy and tired, but my mind is racing, with many thoughts about things that have happened in my life recently.  I'm in a "blogging mood", so I need to write, I guess.  Hope this doesn't get me into trouble, but, oh well.....

By the way, if you're wondering, CD/AD stands for "Clinical Depression/Anxiety Disorder".  A lot of you have read my facebook comments regarding my condition, and how I feel about having it, and taking meds for it- in case you don't, I will tell you, briefly, because that is not why I wanted to blog:  I've had this condition for a long time. I'm not ashamed of it, and I'm not ashamed that I have to take psych meds in order to lead a normal life.  I am a Christian, and believe very strongly in the power of prayer, and I have great faith in God's power to heal and deliver.  It's HIS business why I have this condition, and because I do, does not mean that I am being "punished" by him for anything.  I can't explain it, but I deal with it.  I see it no different than any other medical condition.  If I was a severe diabetic, I would take insulin injections.  If I had high blood pressure, or epilepsy, I would take the appropriate meds for those conditions as well.  Anyway, occasionally, my comments on Facebook may seem a "little strange" lol- you can be assured that, when they do, I'm having a "bad" day.  When something traumatic (maybe not to others) happens to me, I kinda "go off" and obsess about it, but it's usually short lived.  Sometimes, I have re-occurrences over the same issue, so....but most of the time, I'm my usual fun-loving, wise-cracking self- the "real" Molly, as I term it.  There's an old saying that goes "REAL friends are those who know all about you, but love you anyway"- so, bear with my "bad" days, IF ya love me, K?  It's when I need you most- NOT to feel sorry for me, or give me attention- but to understand me, and act as if you know the truth is, I'll be back to "normal" once I get it out of my system LOL!  

WITH THAT SAID, let me be clear on one thing:  There ARE certain subjects that I feel very strongly about, and these differ greatly from just me having a "bad" day.  There's another saying that goes, "You MUST stand for something, or you'll fall for anything!" -I believe very much in that comment.  One of my pet peeves is meely-mouthed, un-opinionated, "scared-I-might-offend-someone", spineless people who won't stand up and speak out on subjects of right and wrong!  I'm one who strongly believes there are no gray areas.  There is black and white- right and wrong- you either ARE or ya AINT!  "Poop" or get of the pot, some folks put it.  Sitting around talking stuff to death and taking a middle of the road stance so you'll keep everyone happy NEVER accomplishes anything.  The main subject I feel this way about is Christianity.  Now, I am married to a preacher, and he (along with some others along the way) is the one who taught me, there isn't any room for wimps in the kingdom of God.  Complacency and apathy in one's Christian journey will lead to nothing but destruction.  I have, unfortunately, found myself living in this power-less way of life, for many years actually.  I certainly do NOT stand and point a self-righteous finger at anyone and attempt to proclaim something I know nothing about.  I KNOW what it's like to "play church", to live one way on Sunday and another way the other six days a week, to....have a FORM of godliness, but deny (turn away from) the power of TRUE Godliness (holiness, consecration, separation)  I did it for years!  Oh, I've never been one to go out partying, doing drugs, living like a total heathen, etc etc....but, I never picked up my Bible, I didn't have a prayer life, I despised and hated people, I didn't have the joy of the Lord, I didn't know what TRUE worship was.......but I went to church all the time, I'd go through the motions of 'worship' at church, paid my tithes, etc....

I've never understood why a lot of people in the church, the first thing they start hollering when someone stands up and speaks out against sin within the church world, is "you're judging me!" "YOU'RE not perfect!".... what does that have to do with anything?!  The prophets of old, were mere mortal men just like us today, and were THEY perfect?  Were THEY without sin? Nooo!  Yet, THEIR preaching made the harshest preaching today sound like a Sunday School lesson!  If being sinless and perfect were requirements for proclaiming the Gospel and speaking out against sin, there's not a preacher on this earth who would be qualified to get behind a pulpit!  

I have made many mistakes in the past, and have NEVER claimed to be perfect, neither has my husband.  But we have been viciously verbally attacked LOL, by people in the church world, who's toes we stepped on through teaching and preaching.  Like I said, I have made MANY mistakes, even in the ministry.  Can't go back and re-do that, as much as I would like to.  But I will tell you this- Today, I am growing in the Lord at a rate I've never experienced, I am in awe of the work he is doing in me.  I have longed for this level, for so long- and I see it as only the first of many higher levels to come!  I am so SICK of staying in the same place, or taking one step forward and two steps back in my walk with the Lord.  I'm tired of having no power, little or no joy and peace....I'm tired of being sick and defeated!  But at the same time that God is working on me, my disgust for what I see going on in the realm of the church world is growing as well.   -to be continued