Late nights rants of a CD/AD patient :)

Hmm.  I don't know really where to start, I only know that I'm very sleepy and tired, but my mind is racing, with many thoughts about things that have happened in my life recently.  I'm in a "blogging mood", so I need to write, I guess.  Hope this doesn't get me into trouble, but, oh well.....

By the way, if you're wondering, CD/AD stands for "Clinical Depression/Anxiety Disorder".  A lot of you have read my facebook comments regarding my condition, and how I feel about having it, and taking meds for it- in case you don't, I will tell you, briefly, because that is not why I wanted to blog:  I've had this condition for a long time. I'm not ashamed of it, and I'm not ashamed that I have to take psych meds in order to lead a normal life.  I am a Christian, and believe very strongly in the power of prayer, and I have great faith in God's power to heal and deliver.  It's HIS business why I have this condition, and because I do, does not mean that I am being "punished" by him for anything.  I can't explain it, but I deal with it.  I see it no different than any other medical condition.  If I was a severe diabetic, I would take insulin injections.  If I had high blood pressure, or epilepsy, I would take the appropriate meds for those conditions as well.  Anyway, occasionally, my comments on Facebook may seem a "little strange" lol- you can be assured that, when they do, I'm having a "bad" day.  When something traumatic (maybe not to others) happens to me, I kinda "go off" and obsess about it, but it's usually short lived.  Sometimes, I have re-occurrences over the same issue, so....but most of the time, I'm my usual fun-loving, wise-cracking self- the "real" Molly, as I term it.  There's an old saying that goes "REAL friends are those who know all about you, but love you anyway"- so, bear with my "bad" days, IF ya love me, K?  It's when I need you most- NOT to feel sorry for me, or give me attention- but to understand me, and act as if you know the truth is, I'll be back to "normal" once I get it out of my system LOL!  

WITH THAT SAID, let me be clear on one thing:  There ARE certain subjects that I feel very strongly about, and these differ greatly from just me having a "bad" day.  There's another saying that goes, "You MUST stand for something, or you'll fall for anything!" -I believe very much in that comment.  One of my pet peeves is meely-mouthed, un-opinionated, "scared-I-might-offend-someone", spineless people who won't stand up and speak out on subjects of right and wrong!  I'm one who strongly believes there are no gray areas.  There is black and white- right and wrong- you either ARE or ya AINT!  "Poop" or get of the pot, some folks put it.  Sitting around talking stuff to death and taking a middle of the road stance so you'll keep everyone happy NEVER accomplishes anything.  The main subject I feel this way about is Christianity.  Now, I am married to a preacher, and he (along with some others along the way) is the one who taught me, there isn't any room for wimps in the kingdom of God.  Complacency and apathy in one's Christian journey will lead to nothing but destruction.  I have, unfortunately, found myself living in this power-less way of life, for many years actually.  I certainly do NOT stand and point a self-righteous finger at anyone and attempt to proclaim something I know nothing about.  I KNOW what it's like to "play church", to live one way on Sunday and another way the other six days a week, to....have a FORM of godliness, but deny (turn away from) the power of TRUE Godliness (holiness, consecration, separation)  I did it for years!  Oh, I've never been one to go out partying, doing drugs, living like a total heathen, etc etc....but, I never picked up my Bible, I didn't have a prayer life, I despised and hated people, I didn't have the joy of the Lord, I didn't know what TRUE worship was.......but I went to church all the time, I'd go through the motions of 'worship' at church, paid my tithes, etc....

I've never understood why a lot of people in the church, the first thing they start hollering when someone stands up and speaks out against sin within the church world, is "you're judging me!" "YOU'RE not perfect!".... what does that have to do with anything?!  The prophets of old, were mere mortal men just like us today, and were THEY perfect?  Were THEY without sin? Nooo!  Yet, THEIR preaching made the harshest preaching today sound like a Sunday School lesson!  If being sinless and perfect were requirements for proclaiming the Gospel and speaking out against sin, there's not a preacher on this earth who would be qualified to get behind a pulpit!  

I have made many mistakes in the past, and have NEVER claimed to be perfect, neither has my husband.  But we have been viciously verbally attacked LOL, by people in the church world, who's toes we stepped on through teaching and preaching.  Like I said, I have made MANY mistakes, even in the ministry.  Can't go back and re-do that, as much as I would like to.  But I will tell you this- Today, I am growing in the Lord at a rate I've never experienced, I am in awe of the work he is doing in me.  I have longed for this level, for so long- and I see it as only the first of many higher levels to come!  I am so SICK of staying in the same place, or taking one step forward and two steps back in my walk with the Lord.  I'm tired of having no power, little or no joy and peace....I'm tired of being sick and defeated!  But at the same time that God is working on me, my disgust for what I see going on in the realm of the church world is growing as well.   -to be continued

Thankful

When I was growing up, we did not have air conditioning.  I was thinking about that the other day as I walked the seemingly 5 MILES from the door of Wal-mart to my truck (that's stretching it of course, seeing as how I'm able to park in a handicap zone lol), at 6pm, in July in Texas, and I felt as if I would melt into a puddle before I reached it and got into the A/C, full blast!  I told my friend I was with that I don't remember it being this hot when I was a kid.  We had an attic fan and window fans in the bedrooms, and, it would get a little warm in summer, but I never remember sweltering and thinking we were poor because we didn't have A/C.  I do remember however, when I turned 18 and got married, my husband and I lived in an all bills paid apartment and we took advantage of it, it was like living in a meat locker LOL!  As hot as it gets in North Texas now, I honestly do not see how folks live without it. 

I woke up very early today (Saturday) so that I could get out and get my grocery shopping done before it started getting too unbearably hot.  I shop around at different stores for the specials, but today I just stuck to my 3 main ones, (haha YES, I do have more) so that I could get back home.  Even though I made it back home before 11am, by the last store, I was really starting to melt.  I felt like Dracula trying to beat the sun LOL!  If I hadn't had groceries in the car, I would have stopped at the clubhouse at the entrance to our neighborhood and jumped in the pool clothes and all!  It looked so cool and inviting, and there wasn't even a soul in it at that time!  When I got home, I unloaded the groceries and put them away as quickly as I could, went straight in and took a COLD shower, aaaaahhhhhh!  As I was getting dressed afterward, I began to think.....

We are so blessed with so many things we never, or rarely, think to thank the Lord for.  Even though we ALL go through financial problems at times, some of us worse than others, I'm pretty sure that if you are reading this, you have a computer, which probably means you have a dwelling place of some sort, and electricity?  Even if you don't have a computer of your own, maybe you're at the library on their computer, or at work- thank God you have a job.  The other day, on my F/B status, I wrote "A FEW things I'm thankful for: A/C, cold water, soap, ice, SONIC ice, fans, ponytail holders, swimming pools, shade trees....deoderant lol, and most of all, FALLLLLLL!" - in a light-hearted manner, but I was also VERY seriously thankful lol.  Someone 'gently reminded' me that GOD was the most important thing to be thankful for.....I said of course! But he's in a category all by himself -which he definitely is of course.  When I wrote the status, I wasn't 'forgetting to mention God'- of course not!  The word THANKFUL reflected that.  I tell him all the time I'm thankful TO HIM for "little things" like these.  Some people think it's kind of silly, or frivolous to pray things like that.  I DON'T.  I thank God for BIRDS all the time, and my dogs, and my vehicle, and my little house, the things in my house that make my life easier, my bed, my recliner, etc etc etc......it is HE who gave me all these things!  and when I take just a minute to think about what my daily life would be without any one of the things mentioned here, and a thousand more, it's worth saying "thank you Father, for ________ that brings me such joy, or that makes my life easier, or that simply brings a smile to my face.  If we belong to God, then EVERY blessing in our life is from him, HUGE or small, or even insignificant and unnoticeable by a lot of people, sadly. 

When I got home today from grocery shopping, extremely hot, thirsty, tired....I thought, after my shower that cooled me off and relaxed me, how very blessed I was to have a comfortable home to come home to!  Yes, it's a plain little 2 bedroom 2 bathroom mobile home, in a mobile home park, and we are not one bit ashamed of that- because GOD blessed us with it, and we don't owe one red cent on it either LOL!  How many millions of poverty stricken people in 3rd world countries, or even the homeless people right here in my own city, would DREAM of living in such a home!  I'm so blessed to come home and have running clean water, soap, shampoo, toothpaste and a toothbrush all my very own to get cleaned up and refreshed with!  What a blessing! (that SOME people who ARE blessed with these things take advantage of and don't even use on a regular basis, but THAT'S a whole different blog...) -what a tremendous blessing to go to my refrigerator, open it up and get all the ice I want, and have a huge variety of different drinks to pour over that ice to quench my thirst- (diet)soda, iced tea, lemonade, fruit punch, flavored waters, juices....some people would give just about anything they had for one bottle of cold clean WATER on a hot day like this.  I am SO blessed.  After making that drink, I can come kick back in my recliner or stretch out on my couch, in front of a fan, and relax in that A/C for as long as I want- if it weren't for God's mercy, it could be ME out there on the hot concrete street corner, holding a cardboard sign begging for money for "food", whichI would use to buy a can of beer or a pack of cigarettes, or WORSE, because I was bound by addictions.  Addictions to things that a lot of "Christian" people willingly dabble in, "as long as you don't do it TOO much"! (again, a whole other blogging subject)  I am SO blessed to be free, thank you Lord for freedom! 

I thank God for the smiles my dogs bring to my face, and even watching little birds eat out of the feeder on my porch, or squirrels chasing each other around a tree- how many people are so weighed down by worry and other emotions that they can't see or understand the beauty, the joy, and the blessings in these little things?  Sometimes, I have been guilty myself of falling into this trap.  I thank God for his mercy, his grace, and his patience and forgiveness, which are NOT such little things- where would I be without all of it?!  I NEED all of it, every day.  And, I thank God that I don't have to be afraid when my husband comes home.  I thank God that I can make him angry, and not have to wear sunglasses the next day as a result. I am so blessed to lay down and sleep at night without wondering if I won't be awakened in the night by a raging maniac beating me senseless, a man who promised to love and cherish me years before.  I am blessed to have peace in my life, and in my home.  I am blessed, and I am so thankful, to have God's love, which has given me all these other things, and more.

"Every good present and every perfect gift comes from above, from the Father who made the sun, moon, and stars....."~ James 1:17